This is a post I never planned to write.

In yesterday’s new year post, I alluded to some painful trials in 2013.  I didn’t mean to be so cryptic when I wrote that, but I hadn’t decided how much, if anything, to share about the topic.  This morning, however, I decided it might serve as some encouragement to any women out there who may be facing the same difficulties and sorrows.  So here it is: just a few months ago, I experienced the loss of a pregnancy.  Let me go back in time to give you some context.

pregnant with Olive // photo by Jose Villa 

After many years of struggling with infertility, I first got pregnant in early 2011.  I was over.the.moon.

Erik and I went out for a celebratory dinner the night I took the positive test, chatting excitedly about how we would share the news with our families.  We were overjoyed about this long-awaited answer to prayer.  Shortly thereafter, however, I learned that my hormone levels were plummeting and I was miscarrying.  It was absolutely devastating, and experiencing that deep pain after years of infertility seemed especially unbearable.  I told Erik I wasn’t sure if I could continue trying to get pregnant, since I feared the pain of recurrent loss.  But God had other plans.  Just one month post-miscarriage, I conceived my daughter Olivia Iris, aka Olive.  And here she is today, almost 2 years old (!!!), having changed me in a million ways in that short time.  I thank God every single day for my daughter.  I will never forget the years of tearful prayers, the pleading for just one child, the fruitless wondering if I would ever become a biological mother.  When I see my daughter, I know that the pain that preceded her arrival taught me invaluable lessons.  What a blessing she is.

my newborn Olive // march 2012

We continue to hope and pray for another child, but know that ultimately it is God who gives life.  Not long ago, Erik and I learned I was pregnant for a third time, and we were ELATED.  I cried tears of joy.  We made sneaky plans to tell our families on Christmas morning.  I marveled at the fact that our kids would have exactly the same age gap I have with my sister.  I thought about how I might need to shift things in my fall wedding schedule with a baby on the horizon.  But then…

Pains turned to concerns which turned to some bloodwork which turned to… tears.  Another miscarriage.  While I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant, I suddenly felt like I had to tell a few people about the painful ordeal I was facing.  It seemed to help release a bit of the pain.  I told my mother, my sister, my best friend and a few other close friends.  More tears, but more prayers as well.  Encouragement.  Reminders of God’s faithfulness.  Reminders of His sovereignty.

So here I am.  Not pregnant.  Not sure if there is another little one in our future or not.  But I am at peace, a peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7).  I know that God’s plans are perfect and that even in painful circumstances, His will is not thwarted (Romans 8:28).  In the darkest of hours, I have been comforted by God’s word (Psalm 34:18 and Matthew 5:4).  The love and support I have received from friends and family in this time has been immeasurable; it has reminded me of all of the blessings I already have in my life.

Although I don’t typically write about ‘tough’ things on this blog, I hope that this post might encourage even one person out there who is dealing with loss.  There is hope even in the darkest circumstances, and I can hold on to that hope to find unshakable joy.  I have been stretched through this trial and I am thankful for that.

I hope you’re all having a great Thursday!  Thank you for stopping by to read this deeply personal post; I’m so blessed by your love and support!

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Comments (33)

  1. kristin @ petal and thorn: January 2, 2014

    So proud of you for sharing- it encourages my soul and I’m sure many others, too. Love you so much, Kris

  2. admin: January 2, 2014

    Love you so much!! Thanks Krissy <3

  3. sally: January 2, 2014

    Angel, thank you for sharing. i know how hard and painful it must be. i love your attitude and how you are finding comfort in the Lord. you already know how much you have encouraged me in my journey to motherhood.. i’m sure there are tons of others. thank you for being so transparent and for allowing God to use your sufferings/trials to be an encouragement to others… (2 Cor 1:3-5) comes to mind. blessings dear sister!!

  4. admin: January 2, 2014

    Thank you, sweet Sally!! I’m truly grateful for *your* encouragement to me. xoxo

  5. admin: January 10, 2014

    Sweet Sally — thank you for your sweet and encouraging words. Grateful for you!

  6. Shannon Mersch: January 2, 2014

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I believe you precious ones are with Jesus and I praise God that they never had to struggle with and suffer from sin. What a blessed reunion you will someday share. Thank you for sharing your experience. God does not let pain go to waste.

  7. Marie: January 2, 2014

    Angel, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I admire you for sharing your story in hopes that you will help someone who is going through a similar experience. Sending you lots of love! Babies are such miracles and stories like this remind us of how truly precious they are.

  8. admin: January 10, 2014

    Thank you, sweet Marie! Sending you big hugs and love; miss you!

  9. anna: January 2, 2014

    I love you sister

  10. admin: January 10, 2014

    love you too, sis!! <3

  11. karen Busenitz: January 2, 2014

    Thank you for sharing! I know the Lord will use it to encourage lots of women. Just seeing how He has comforted you through this pain of loss gives fuel to anyone’s faith.
    Blessings abound because He is so good!

  12. admin: January 10, 2014

    Thank you so much, Karen! I am truly grateful for you taking the time to comment here. Yes it’s true — God is so good and His lovingkindness has been abounding to me throughout this time. I miss you and hope to see you soon! xo

  13. una: January 2, 2014

    angel, so sorry for your loss but so encouraged by your sharing. you will be in my prayers. xoxo

  14. admin: January 8, 2014

    Thank you, sweet Una!

  15. Cynthia Aceves: January 2, 2014

    So sorry for your loss dear Angel! Truly inspiring words & a reminder to count our blessings & be grateful for what He has already blessed our lives with! Xoxoxo!

  16. admin: January 8, 2014

    Thank you so much, love!! Grateful for you and your encouraging heart.

  17. Jessica pierce: January 3, 2014

    Angel, I am Monique’s best friend and I have been through your similar journey one loss before our daughter (afrer trying for 2 years) and 2 losses after. I couldn’t have gone through w/o my faith. And I thankful you wrote about it bc so many woman don’t share and they have no idea how much it helps others when you do share and you don’t fell alone it. Thank you for being brave. God bless you! God is definitely sovereign I am sure of that! Xo

  18. admin: January 8, 2014

    Jessica — your comment means so much to me!! Of course I know who you are 😉 and I am heartbroken to hear about your own stories of loss. Sending you a huge hug and lots of love. Will be praying for you!! xoxo

  19. sooki: January 3, 2014

    angel, your positive outlook will be inspiring to so many others. thank you for sharing your story. i also miscarried with my first pregnancy. God does have plans for you and your family. never lose hope and faith…

  20. admin: January 8, 2014

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss but I am so grateful for your encouragement! xox

  21. Linda: January 3, 2014

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss angel. You’ll be in my thoughts and I wish the very best for you. Xoxo

  22. admin: January 8, 2014

    Thank you so much!!

  23. Maya: January 4, 2014

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through a very tough pregnancy and at times have struggles to keep hope for our baby. Your story has truly inspired me to strengthen my faith and know that everything is happening for a reason. He has a greater plan for all of us and never gives us anything we cannot handle. Please stay and positive. God will always be there. Thank you for being so brave and courageous with your story.

  24. admin: January 8, 2014

    Thank you for your comment and for sharing, Maya! I prayed when I first read your comment and am praying again right now for your pregnancy. Sending love and hugs; you are right: God is always there. xox

  25. Hannah: January 5, 2014

    oh, angel. i’m so sorry for your loss. thank you so much for sharing your story. you are so inspirational. praying for you.

  26. admin: January 8, 2014

    Oh thank you sweet friend! xo

  27. vivian: January 7, 2014

    so sorry for your loss angel. i had a miscarriage before leah, and people kept telling me how common it was to try to make me feel better, but it’s such an emotional rollercoaster besides the physical aspect. this post was so touching. thank you for sharing. will be praying for you.

  28. admin: January 8, 2014

    Thank you, dear. I know what you mean — I’ve had days that are harder than others but am glad to have found some peace now that the physical aspect has ended. xoxo

  29. freckles chick: January 8, 2014

    Thank you for sharing your story, gal. Your strength never ceases to amaze me. I hope your future holds another baby but if not, as you wrote “God’s plan is perfect”. And it doesn’t get more perfect than Olive.

  30. admin: January 8, 2014

    You are so so sweet!! Thank you for your words of encouragement, dear. <3

  31. Khali: January 15, 2014

    Oh Angel, thank you. I too had a painful heart breaking miscarriage a month before I was pregnant with Bandit. It is a pain I was not ready for and still haunts me. Potsch and I talk about maybe having a second child and I have to admit that I’m so scarred to go through the possibility of a miscarriage again that I almost just don’t want to try. And yet I can’t deny that that miscarriage brought with it loads of positivity and took my relationship with my husband to a whole new level. I enjoy your words of God. I don’t follow any religion but I like to think I have a relationship with God. And the way you speak of your beliefs resonate with me and help me trust in life and good. So much love to you and yours and this journey you are on and definitely to our baby girls with the same birthday. xoxoxox

  32. admin: January 20, 2014

    Love you, sweet Khali. I can’t believe how eerily similar our journeys are! Grateful for our sweet girls who share a birthday — they need to get together!! I need to see YOU! xo

  33. Eileen Rife: July 9, 2015

    I could identify with pieces of your story, Angel. Thanks so much for sharing so that other hurting women can be encouraged in their personal journeys. I lost two babies at four months gestation, a boy and a girl (different pregnancies). I, too, had never considered the anguish this would create. It seems to be such a silent grief. But grief it is, nonetheless. My healing journey involved scripture, prayer, journaling, and friendships. I later wrote a book based on my journal entries, Jesus, Hold My Little One, Healing Prayers for Women Who Have Lost a Baby. The small resource is now available through Amazon if anyone is interested. My prayer is that other women will find comfort and healing through its pages.

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