I have to write this post today, before I forget the details of the precious, beautiful, fleeting moment I experienced last night with Olive.  So yes, I’m kicking off the week with a very personal diary-style post and I hope you don’t mind.  😉

Yesterday Olive woke up with a sniffle and a runny nose.  She still greeted me cheerfully as I walked into her room to get her.  I got us ready for church and off we went.  At that point we weren’t sure if she had allergies or a cold, since she didn’t have a fever and it was just a clear runny nose.  Just a couple hours later, however, we could tell she wasn’t feeling well.  Her eyes were watery, her nose was still constantly dripping, and she had begun to both sneeze and cough.  Her afternoon nap was normal, but she continued to cough after she woke up.  It broke my heart every time I heard that rumbly chesty cough come out of her, or watched her try to wipe her nose in frustration before I swooped in with the Nose Frida (mamas know what I’m talking about!).  No one wants to see their baby sick!  We had a lazy afternoon and unremarkable evening.  I just focused on keeping her hydrated and snuggled up.  And then it was bedtime.

Typically we change Olive into her PJs, brush her teeth, and walk her through a simple bedtime routine that includes turning on her Sleep Sheep and Ladybug Constellation night light and then praying together as a family.  We place her into her crib tired but awake, and she snuggles in without a peep.  We call out that we love her and close the door.  And that’s it until morning.  It is pretty incredible that she has always fallen asleep easily and without much of a fuss.  I am grateful for it, of course, but I would tell my mama friends that I often wished she would fall asleep in my arms or let me rock her.  There are some nights that she literally wriggles and leaps out of my arms into her crib after we say, “Amen.”  She is *that* eager to get to bed and *that* comfortable doing it on her own.

So last night, it was different.  Last night I could see that Olive was having trouble breathing with her nose because she was so stuffed up.  Erik prepped her cool mist humidifier and I gave her a soothing nighttime bath.  She was getting drowsy.  I got her into her PJs and wrapped her up in a blanket and then went back into the bathroom.  I turned on the hot shower water and sat down on the closed toilet lid, my two year old “baby” bundled up in my arms.  She didn’t struggle.  She didn’t wriggle or ask for “night night.”  She just stared up at me, straight into my eyes.  And as steam filled the room, I started to rock her.  I started softly singing “Twinkle Twinkle” to her.  But she looked up and quietly said, “Jesus Loves Me.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I’ve only been singing the song with her for a few days and out of nowhere, she was requesting it.  The words also seemed like a simple statement from her lips and the power behind it just blew me away.  I started to sing the song, still rocking her, room full of steam.  She started to drift to sleep, her eyelids fluttering, but when she tried to keep her eyes open they were fixed on me.  The last thing she said before she fell asleep was, “Jesus.”  I lost it, guys.  I totally began to cry, voice creaking, warm tears landing on her little shirt (gratefully she was wearing an undershirt so I don’t think she felt my raindrops, haha).  It could have been the cloud of steam or the veil of tears, but for a moment I honestly saw her as a baby.  I literally saw her closed eyes and peaceful sleeping face as it was when she was a tiny baby.  And in that moment I felt so unbelievably grateful.  And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I also felt a twinge of sadness.  I thank God everyday for my beautiful daughter and yet I also feel that pull in my heart, that desire to hold too tightly, that secret wish for her to stay little forever.  I pray I never cling too tightly; I pray that I always see her for what she is — a child of God, a tender soul to shepherd and guide and love and instruct.  A gift entrusted to me.

I told a friend today that motherhood has changed me in every single way, and for the better.  I have learned so much about myself since becoming a mother and I know I will continue to be stretched over the years ahead.  At the moment of Olive’s birth, something in me switched… something put in motion from the moment I knew I was pregnant with her.  I have learned so much about God since having Olive, too.  I can glimpse a tiny bit of the love of the Father for us in the way I love her.  It is incredible to ponder.

After gently putting Olive into her crib last night, fast asleep and heavy in my arms, I went to bed early with teary eyes, just relishing and reliving the precious moment I had just experienced.  It’s funny that one of the first things I thought was, “I need to write this down before I forget!”  I so desperately don’t want to forget these simple little moments that mean so much to me.  I am truly so thankful for the reminder I was given last night — a moment to slow down, savor her “littleness” one more time (as it rapidly slips away), a moment to thank God for the long-awaited answer to prayer that is my baby Olive.

me and my olive // 7 weeks old

Thank you for letting me share a bit of my heart here today.  <3